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[Feb 26th, 6:01pm] |
Blackmail/Spam/Adoration
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| Personal Journal Entry; dated January 14, 2009 |
[Jan 26th, 11:19am] |
Some things in life you'll never remember. Birth. A slew of birthdays afterward. The quadratic formula. Chemical formulas outside of salt (NaCl). How awful you really sound during Karaoke. Lyrics in a language you don't speak. Where you put those keys. Death.
Some things in life you'll never forget. Sixteen. Twenty one. A first kiss. A first love. A bad cup of coffee. The lyrics to that damn song you can't get out of your head. Naked step-brothers. The hangover after Tequila. A first heartbreak.
Remembered or forgotten, all are waiting to be a lesson learned.
No, seriously. It's all there. A really smart person once said that heartbreak is like the teacher of your least favorite class. So they're basically teaching, or trying to teach me Advanced Calc. I just got back from Dallas not too long ago and let me tell you, I've learned my lesson. I told only my brother Eli where I was going and the actual reason why. I lied to my mom. Told her I wanted to do a trip on my own, and since we had family in Dallas, why not? I could run to them if things went too wrong. I shouldn't have gone to visit Chris. We'd been talking for maybe a year? I can't remember. It'd been a while. We talked on the phone, even done a couple web cam sessions. I thought it had to be love.
I was dead ass wrong.
I knew he thought I was weird the second I got off the plane. Like I wasn't what he expected. I don't know. Like he was expecting me to come cartwheeling off my airplane in a cheerleading uniform. All I wanted was a hug. That wasn't too awkward, right? We'd been talking for a year! It's not like I tried to stick my tongue down his throat. Eli says it's because I don't have boobs. To which I reminded him that a lot of cheerleaders don't. We're obviously not as flat as gymnasts, but I mean, come on, I'm not that bad! I should have brought him with me. I knew I should have.
Anyway, I don't know what went wrong, but something went horribly wrong and any spark we thought we had just was not there. Ever. I was like the annoying little sister he never wanted and he was just not what I was looking for. I know what chemistry feels like. Remy and I had chemistry. The second I touched his shirt to put that sticker on it, I knew we had chemistry. There was that little bit of electricity that you feel sometimes when you don't put a dryer sheet in with your sheets. That kind of electricity. The kind chemistry class can't classify, and there's just nothing you can do about it but let it draw you in and take you for the ride of your life.
I cried all the way home. God bless the woman in the airport who sat with me and handed me tissues like I was her granddaughter. I hope I didn't get snot on her shirt. So, I can't decide whether I cried because Chris and I were through, or because I lost something, or because I found out what I feared all along: I had what I wanted and let it go.
I understood it then. I was looking for a Remy in Chris, and it just wasn't there. I wonder what he's doing now...If he ever thinks about me. If he's looking for his Ellie, the first pick on his kickball team...or even if he's found her. We used to keep in touch more, but I'd stopped thinking that maybe it wasn't right since I was talking to Chris. I wish I wouldn't have stopped. I mean, we can still be friends...assuming I can even manage it. I'd like to try though, even if like a bad chemistry experiment it blows up in my face.
I just know that you never ever forget your first kiss, first love and first heartbreak. There is no lesson like them in all the world.
And I'm gonna learn something from all of this. I swear to God.
~Ellspeth Leah Ahrens,
first pick on someone's kickball team.
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